For so many people, this New Year isn’t like the norm. It’s packing more punch than many before it. While it’s not on the level of Y2K, 2020 still feels big deal-ish. As we neared the end of 2019, it didn’t occur to me what 2020 would mean. Then, I heard so many people say how we were ending a decade and easing into a new one. I don’t know why I didn’t see it that way. I wasn’t thinking about the 2020 ushering us into a new decade.
Then, I started reading the words of people who stressed how we were ending a decade and if you’d done all you were meant to do in this decade. Yes, it was this whole thing of not just looking over the past year and giving it a good once over. It was more than the normal looking at the areas you excelled and where you feel like you’d failed. It was about more than giving yourself a grade for how you had conquered the year and prepping for the next one. No, this time around it was looking at not just the previous year but the whole DECADE! No pressure.
Still, this way of looking at it all got me to thinking. How had my last ten years measured up? What I had accomplished and what did I feel there was still left for me to do? Ten years is a long time! When we think about how much happens over the course of a year, it’s even more so for what happens over ten of them. Instead of focusing on the successes and failures, I decided to think more about what the last decade has taught me.
Lesson One
The number one lesson of the last decade for me is that my time is precious. The fast pace of the passage of time certainly makes that clear. I started to look at it in other ways too. I’m way to liberal with my time. Telemarketers call the house and I hear them out although I’m clear that “it’s a no”. My thinking is they’re just doing their job. I have conversations with random people that extend far too long and add nothing to my life. I just feel like they needed to be heard.
My husband is always reminding me that I shouldn’t be so giving with my time. My friend always puts it in terms of precious earth time. He acknowledges that we only get so much time on earth. He takes a look at the things you give your time to and deciding if it’s worth your precious earth time. It really puts things in perspective.
Lesson Two
The idea that nothing is guaranteed seems like the best next lesson. Things move so quickly and the minute we get comfortable, things change again. In fact, that’s the only thing that’s really guaranteed is change. I remember the television network I worked for folded in 2013. I had grown so comfortable working there for nearly 10 years. In the end, I looked at its closure as a spring board. I jumped into a whole new phase of my life.
Still, I couldn’t help but think of what I’d heard growing up. People got jobs and stayed until they retired. It was a badge of honor to have seniority at a company. That’s not the case anymore. People move around – a lot. Companies have no expectations of you hanging around for 30 years. Also, many companies where people had spent decades have closed down and left those same people at a loss. Time moves on and things change and we have to be willing and able to change with it or we’ll get lost in the movement.
Lesson Three
The next lesson for me was to define my own success. Success had been tied to my career for so long. When that didn’t exist anymore, I was forced to really take a look at who I am outside of my career. I had to imagine what success looked like to me and then create it. It’s not easy but it’s a necessary journey.
Lesson Four
Initially, I was in a rush to define my own success. I ended up learning to take my time. I spent so much effort trying to keep up with a timeline that I’d created for myself. Believing that I had to have certain things accomplished in a particular time frame. In some regards, that’s called goal setting, right? There has to be room to be flexible though and let things take shape organically.
Lesson Five
When I stopped working in corporate, I had a bit of an identity crisis. It took a bit for me to learn that my career doesn’t define me. It was a hard lesson to come to terms with. When you meet people, the first question they ask you is what do you do. No wonder so many of use are defined by a career. After a while it becomes who we are. I had to begin the work of peeling back the layers to redefine myself. There is one a hiccup in that journey. I am a mother.
Lesson Six
When I left the corporate world, I became a stay at home mother. That role is one I didn’t even know I wanted before having kids. Then it became all that I wanted. One thing about motherhood, it becomes who you are so naturally. It creates another title that we use to define ourselves. Learning that motherhood didn’t define me was a tough one. It’s more of who I am than any career. I could turn off work. I’m always my kids mom. It’s important for my kids to know I have interests that don’t involve them. I need for them to see me as multi-faceted woman. It’s necessary for all of us.
Lesson Seven
I say all that to say me first is HARD. We all know that we can’t pour from an empty cup, that self care isn’t selfish, that we have put our own oxygen masks own first. Still, knowing this and living it are completely different things. I’m constantly re-adjusting my list so that I’m not last on it. It’s a work in progress.
Lesson Eight
I have never been big on asking for help. I most often choose to figure something out. That changed! It had too. I’m juggling too many things at any given time to think I’m superwoman. I can handle a lot. I also know that support systems are good and I’ve built a pretty sweet one. There is a small group of friends I can count on to jump in when I need them too.
Lesson Nine
My son played baseball the other year. We were with a new team and just getting to know everyone. The coach was sharing all the roles he needed filled. When he got to team mom, he kept looking in my direction. I knew I didn’t want anything to do with that role. My kids are in a bunch of activities and I’m doing great just to keep up with their schedules. Still, he kept looking in my direction. Finally, another mom opted to do if but only if she had help. Of course his eyes made their way back to my side of the room. Ugh. Fine. I said, I’d help her. It was the WORST decision ever.
I felt like I was of no help to her. And when I’d chime in to do something she’d be like, “oh no worries, I got it”. I felt useless in the role because I was always tied up doing something else. My lesson here, stand firm in your NO. I knew from the beginning that I didn’t want anything to do with being a team mom. I would have done everyone a favor by sticking to my no.
Lesson Ten
My final lesson of the decade is a simple one that takes us far too long to learn. You get to choose your happy. So much of our lives are spent chasing things or people. Whether it be a car, a house, a status in our careers or a relationship – too much emphasis is put on those things making us happy. You know what the common denominator is in all of that – you! You are the only one that can make you happy. It’s not anyone else’s job to do it either. Making it the job of someone or something gives too much power to someone or something else.
This comes from the girl who had a list of milestones that were supposed to make me happy. To awesome thing is, when I stopped chasing all the things, I looked up and realized I didn’t care as much about that stuff as I thought I did. When I stopped caring so much, things fell into place anyway.
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